Na Na in the Left Eye

Last night I found myself sitting in my car outside a sports facility where my son had football practice a half hour from home, wondering what the hell just happened.  In the 11 days leading in, I had been on two transcontinental flights, worked 6 ten hour days on the other coast, a ten and a five hour day on this coast, spent half the day at a cheer competition, and right there in my car was settled in for an evening of football.  In between things, there were loads of laundry, dishes, packing and repacking, kid obligations, taxes, bills and a seemingly endless "To Do List."  In that moment, as I stared out into the rainy night with the street lights illuminating the raindrops on my windshield, it felt a bit like waking up from a chaotic tidal wave of busy.  

Three little birds sat on my window,

And they told me I don't need to worry

As Corinne Bailey Rae played in the car, I reflected over the last 11 days and I somehow thought those three little birds were incorrect and I might actually have some cause to worry. I had failed at what I always preach on....self care.  Had I skipped workouts?  No, not really.  Had I built in time for meditation?  Yes.  See, it's all there on my fitness tracker, the proof I was getting the work in.  Only..... the one thing my tracker does not accurately report... did I actually immerse myself in the work and truly use the time to recharge?  or did I phone it in?  Let's go with option two.  I think in the swirling chaos of an impossible schedule and difficult circumstances, my self care was tough to sustain effectively.  Let's be real, I didn't have the perfect meditation space, as I prefer my essential oils, my own mat and low lighting, not a room at the Hampton in Tacoma. I didn't have the perfect work schedule as my hours bounced all over this stretch.  I wasn't in the best frame of mind, as I was drowning in a sea of stress, jetlag and suffering from my usual brand of insomnia.  So, any activity I did seemed more like going through the motions and not the soul feeding activities I had come to rely on to achieve some sort of balance.

Girl put your records on,

Tell me your favorite song,

You go ahead, let your hair down

As I thought about the disappointment associated with all of this, I decided maybe it was time to take her advice and loosen the ponytail, let my hair down, hell it was even still wet from my morning shower as I had not had time to dry it before running out the door, and put on my proverbial favorite song.  In that moment, I decided said "song" was a calming meditation right there in the car to see if I could regain my bearings.  No the space and timing was not ideal, but I wanted to try anyway only this time focusing on the task rather than the environment.  As the meditation began to stream, I began to think the coach must have been clairvoyant when she made it.  The session was about learning to pull yourself below the swirling chaos no matter what was going on or where you were, realizing the chaos was not permanent and that we have the ability to control the spinning narrative we hold on to.  By the time it was done I had started to find the calm that had escaped me in the days leading in right there in the rain under a streetlight in a dark parking lot, a far cry from my bougie mat and essential oils.

Maybe sometimes, 

We've got it wrong,

But it's alright 

Yes, I had it wrong in the last 11 days, but it will be alright.  As I was processing all of this, my thoughts were interrupted with a welcome phone call from my oldest child, 30 years old and navigating the adult world, yet suddenly not above asking her mother's advice, a little bit of a departure from the stormy years of her youth. A simple call that helped to fill this mama's weary heart.  Following that, my 13 year old finished his practice and we headed home.  As he got in the car, he would sing along to Corinne as well, and then began asking me to play a "really nice song" he heard on Tik Tok.  I braced myself for the worst as we all know about 13 year old boys and their musical taste, let alone some of the stuff out on Tik Tok, but he asked for "Just the Two of Us." 

I asked,"As in, 'we can make it if we try?' Bill Withers?"  That was the one, really?   As I put it on, I began to find joy right there having a sing along driving in the rain with my stinky six foot tall 13 year old fresh from football practice.  

Then it happened.  The song was interrupted as my GPS began talking, which in turn lowered the volume of the music.  Not noticing, my son just kept singing.  "Just the two of us, we can na, na, in the left eye."  

"Did you say 'left eye'"  Yes, he had in fact, said left eye.  I tried to stifle a giggle, I couldn't stop myself.  Stifling was not effective and before I knew it I had an old fashioned gut busting laugh for a long time.  

"Honey, it's 'just the two of us, we can build castles in the sky,"

"Oh that makes more sense." Then he too, had a good laugh, a moment that continued to feed my weary soul.  

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

I think in the end we have to realize that no matter what our intentions are when it comes to self care and wellness, perfect just isn't going to exist.  There isn't always going to be a grand amount of time and space to really accomplish what we want to especially in light of life being hectic at times.  However, those are the times we need to look for the much smaller opportunities to descend from the chaos, like ten minutes on a rainy night in a car, to feed our souls simply because that is what is available.  It is only with those pauses will we be able to find joy, be that connecting with an adult child or just a good laugh with a teenager growing up way to fast.  Maybe Corinne is right, we just might find ourselves somewhere, somehow.